Monthly Archives: September 2013

Sep25

The Ex Files

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Photo Credit: mathewboggs.com

Recently, I was given the opportunity to do something that people are rarely able to do, have an open, honest and cathartic conversation with an exes ex.

I have this blog to thank for bringing us together recently and words cannot express how much a simple conversation was able to assist me in the path to truly letting go and getting over a man who has taken up too much of my mind and heart of late.

Whilst my friends and family may think they understand the benefit of being able to share your feelings and experiences with someone who understands better than anyone what you’re going through, I don’t think they completely “get” the delicious ability to connect with someone whom you’ve never met, know very little about (mostly lies it turns out anyway) and whom you are aligned to in a way that few others on the planet are aligned.

It begs the question’ “why?” though. Why did it take a simple conversation with Miss Ex to make me realise that I was completely right in leaving this particular man?

Self doubt can manifest so quickly that it took speaking to someone who had experienced the not so gentle nuances of my ex boyfriend to knock some sense into me. Thank goodness for that!

A fellow strong woman had succumbed to the charms of this well practiced man and I only hope that I can pay it forward as she has.

What questions would you ask an exes ex if given the opportunity? Post your responses here or on our Facebook page!

Side Note…

Many of you have been asking about Mr Vaughn and whether I ever did get that “dream date”. The short answer is no. Mr Vaughn was a very confused man it seems and I told him the best way to describe him was actually “Mr Hot and Cold”!

He would call/message continually, then disappear off the face of the earth until I called him out on his behaviour, made it clear that I wanted to be with a man who knew what he wanted and he said he was thinking about moving back to his homeland of Ireland and didn’t want to lead me on…just in case he actually did move.

Whether that was true or not is beyond me, but, I’m happy to give anyone the benefit of the doubt, knowing full well that, regardless, it wasn’t the sort of relationship I was after.

It was a shame because we really did click in so many ways and seemed to be on the same page more often than not, but what will be will be I suppose! I had fun with him and there are no regrets!

Thank you for your messages, emails and Facebook posts of encouragement surrounding this particular man, it was very flattering!

Sep18

Romanticising the Past

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Photo Credit: photo.elsoar.com
I am one of those people who is always certain of a decision when I initially make it, but weeks, sometimes months down the track, I look back and wonder if I made the right choice.

When it comes to love, that can often be heart wrenching, especially when you thought you were over the guy.

I was in a relationship a few months back that I was certain was with “the one”. He seemed to be everything I ever wanted.

He was sweet, caring, supportive, honest, ruggedly handsome, fun, funny, dedicated and, most importantly in this era of dating, was on exactly the same page as me.

Life was perfect and there were no games. We fell in love quickly and we both fell hard. We were making plans for the future, planning to move in together by the end of the year, he’d met the family and most of my friends and everyone loved him just as much as I did.

We were going to travel together and spoke often of bringing the best out in each other.

It all happened so quickly…perhaps too quickly, but our theory was, why wait if you know it’s right. That has always been a theory I have, especially as I get older.

I had “a drawer” at his place and even a dedicated space in the closet for my shoes and he showered me with gifts that he thought I would love. And I did…being so spoilt was something I hadn’t experienced in a very long time.

So, what went wrong you ask? Why am I not riding off into the sunset with my Prince Charming?

I’ve thought long and hard about it over the past few months, read many a book and listened to many a podcast and, with the help of the love guru, Dr Pat Allen, I have come to the conclusion that I was too “yang” for him.

The subject of yin and yang in a relationship interests me to no end, so I will go into more detail of how that little symbol that we all bore on fake tattoos in high school with pride can affect your life as an adult, in a future blog.

I liken our relationship to fireworks. They seem so calm and almost serene as they soar into the sky, but then they explode with a shocking suddenness. That was us.

I have always considered myself equal to my partner in my previous long term relationships and have often bordered on leading them not consciously, but just because it felt natural.

This particular man didn’t like that and put me “in my place” often. So I found myself withdrawing into myself.

I felt like I was spoken to as a child and his response when I broached that feeling was always this, “I speak to you like a child because you behave like a child”. That sentence in itself proved my feelings and, when I was chastised for doing what I deemed as everyday things like, speaking on the phone, eating out of a takeaway food container or not exercising (ok, ok perhaps I should have been chastised for that!), I realised that maybe that silver lining was much more tarnished than I initially thought.

So, why am I romanticising a man who made me feel like that?

That’s what I’m trying to figure out but, I guess, my heart does not understand what my brain is telling it and such is the way with love.

It’s a process and what I’m starting to understand is that I shouldn’t feel guilty for leaving a man who didn’t make me feel whole. Whilst there was much beauty in our time together I can’t regret making the decision I did because, if I had continued who knew what a shell of my former self I would have become down the line.

Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier though and nor does it mean that I don’t still love him and miss him every day, but he just wasn’t the MOMD (Man of my Dreams).

Something else I am trying to understand and become comfortable with is that it doesn’t mean that I am too fussy either. I deserve to be with someone who allows me to be me and, whilst I am happy to make tweaks to enhance myself, if I can’t be true to myself in a relationship, then I would prefer to be single.

Have you ever lost yourself in a relationship? Share your stories here or on our Facebook page.

Sep3

The Art of Courting

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Being courted may sound old fashioned, but when you are the subject of a gentleman who courts you, the somewhat negative connotations of being “old fashioned” fly out the window.

Modern-day dating seems less and less open to allowing men to court women which is just so sad. But why? Why aren’t men hankering to show their prowess off when it comes to attracting women like they did in a bygone era?

I had a really interesting conversation with my dad, godfather and brother in law over the weekend who spoke of their disappointment that I live in an era where courting a woman is not something that is expected of men.

They often want everything now and, if women don’t offer it up, they move on knowing that the statistics are in their favour – especially in Sydney.

Many men expect that women will do things that were frowned upon “back in the day”, like take the reigns and organise romantic dates and pay half the bill on a first date (or the whole bill as I was forced to do a few weeks ago. I was faced with a man who simply stated, “I have no cash” as I looked at him dumbfounded and paid the bill to save face at my local restaurant which I had booked when he asked me to plan the date because, “I was a woman and so I’m good at things like that”. I know…why didn’t alarm bells ring then?!)

Now I am the type of woman who always offers to pay half, or takes my wallet out to indicate that I am happy to when I’m on a date with a man. My mum and friends always tell me I should just expect that the man will pay, they tell me that men want to and it cements their masculinity as the “provider”.

That just makes me feel really awkward though, especially if I don’t get “the vibe” from a guy. I mean if I don’t like them and don’t want to see them again, why should they pay for me? I would just owe them then wouldn’t I?

Anyway…back to courting. Let me take you on a walk through the past to Egypt in the 1940s.

I revel in the romance that my grandmother and grandfather shared. If you want to talk adversity, try being a Jewish girl dating an Armenian Orthodox boy in a Muslim country. The odds would be stacked against you on so many different levels but, regardless of all of that, my grandparents were determined to spend their life together.

Years ago when I first visited Egypt, I was proud to hear of the stories people still told of the romance between the jeweller and the dressmaker and I pictured them sneakily holding hands on the bus to get an ice cream together and sending each other notes in their lunch boxes to organise a secret time to meet.

My grandmother, an absolute stunner in her day, tells me that she treated him mean not to keep him keen but because there were so many men that wanted to date her…to court her…to prove that they deserved her affection more than her future husband. Lucky lady!

My grandfather won hands down though because he was persistent and he charmed her like no other man could. That is true love.

That is what I’m waiting for…

I can’t say I’ve been courted before but that is probably because I give in too quickly. I show my excitement and wear my heart on my sleeve too early in the piece, so the man doesn’t have to fight for me, he knows I’m interested straight up.

My motto has always been, why play games and why waste time?

If you read books on dating, they all tell you that this is the biggest no no. They all extol the virtues of treating ’em mean and keeping ’em keen but I just wasn’t built like that. I have difficulty being the bitch and acting disinterested when really I just want to see them and talk to them if I’m interested in pursuing something further. It just all seems so futile really.

The most impressive thing a man has done to prove his interest in ‘courting’ me was fly to Sydney from his home town of Adelaide to take me on our first date! What happened then? I agreed to exclusively date him the second day into his trip! I know…I’m disappointed just reading that back! Needless to say, the relationship didn’t last…long distance wasn’t his forte it seems.

The verb ‘to court’ implies that the process is a little longer than coming up with the goods on one date alone though.

Webster’s Dictionary defines courting as follows:

1. To endeavor to gain the favor of by attention or flattery; to try to ingratiate one’s self with.

2. To endeavor to gain the affections of; to seek in marriage; to woo.

3. To attempt to gain; to solicit; to seek.

4. To invite by attractions; to allure; to attract.

It may all sound very Jane Austen but I want to be courted…like my grandmother was. For when a man courts you and puts in the effort to win your affection, you have more certainty that they want to invest time in a relationship…not just a roll in the hay.

So that is my new promise to myself, to allow myself to be courted. Will patience become my virtue though?

Share your stories of courting here or on our Facebook page.