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I am one of those people who is always certain of a decision when I initially make it, but weeks, sometimes months down the track, I look back and wonder if I made the right choice.

When it comes to love, that can often be heart wrenching, especially when you thought you were over the guy.

I was in a relationship a few months back that I was certain was with “the one”. He seemed to be everything I ever wanted.

He was sweet, caring, supportive, honest, ruggedly handsome, fun, funny, dedicated and, most importantly in this era of dating, was on exactly the same page as me.

Life was perfect and there were no games. We fell in love quickly and we both fell hard. We were making plans for the future, planning to move in together by the end of the year, he’d met the family and most of my friends and everyone loved him just as much as I did.

We were going to travel together and spoke often of bringing the best out in each other.

It all happened so quickly…perhaps too quickly, but our theory was, why wait if you know it’s right. That has always been a theory I have, especially as I get older.

I had “a drawer” at his place and even a dedicated space in the closet for my shoes and he showered me with gifts that he thought I would love. And I did…being so spoilt was something I hadn’t experienced in a very long time.

So, what went wrong you ask? Why am I not riding off into the sunset with my Prince Charming?

I’ve thought long and hard about it over the past few months, read many a book and listened to many a podcast and, with the help of the love guru, Dr Pat Allen, I have come to the conclusion that I was too “yang” for him.

The subject of yin and yang in a relationship interests me to no end, so I will go into more detail of how that little symbol that we all bore on fake tattoos in high school with pride can affect your life as an adult, in a future blog.

I liken our relationship to fireworks. They seem so calm and almost serene as they soar into the sky, but then they explode with a shocking suddenness. That was us.

I have always considered myself equal to my partner in my previous long term relationships and have often bordered on leading them not consciously, but just because it felt natural.

This particular man didn’t like that and put me “in my place” often. So I found myself withdrawing into myself.

I felt like I was spoken to as a child and his response when I broached that feeling was always this, “I speak to you like a child because you behave like a child”. That sentence in itself proved my feelings and, when I was chastised for doing what I deemed as everyday things like, speaking on the phone, eating out of a takeaway food container or not exercising (ok, ok perhaps I should have been chastised for that!), I realised that maybe that silver lining was much more tarnished than I initially thought.

So, why am I romanticising a man who made me feel like that?

That’s what I’m trying to figure out but, I guess, my heart does not understand what my brain is telling it and such is the way with love.

It’s a process and what I’m starting to understand is that I shouldn’t feel guilty for leaving a man who didn’t make me feel whole. Whilst there was much beauty in our time together I can’t regret making the decision I did because, if I had continued who knew what a shell of my former self I would have become down the line.

Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier though and nor does it mean that I don’t still love him and miss him every day, but he just wasn’t the MOMD (Man of my Dreams).

Something else I am trying to understand and become comfortable with is that it doesn’t mean that I am too fussy either. I deserve to be with someone who allows me to be me and, whilst I am happy to make tweaks to enhance myself, if I can’t be true to myself in a relationship, then I would prefer to be single.

Have you ever lost yourself in a relationship? Share your stories here or on our Facebook page.